Don't Bomb Them With Explosives

Bombard Them With Goodwill

Originally posted to firesofcreation.gaia.com on Jun 11th, 2007

A new five star military general has been chosen to take over the mess in Iraq. He has also been put in charge of forces massing near Iran. His name is General Mohandas Gandhi. Yes, you heard correctly. In this parallel universe, Gandhi is born in another time. During Christmas eve 2007, George Bush has a Scrooged, Christmas Carol moment where he is visited by the ghosts of Iraq's past, present and future. This haunting dream has transformed him. He immediately calls a press conference to ask for America's and the world's forgiveness. He also announces Gandhi's appointment as commanding general. With this force for peace at the helm of Iraq's reconstruction, world wide opinion shows in the polls that a pullout for American troops will be immanent.

Another amazing scenario factors into the likelihood of General Gandhi's success. A fleet of old Spanish pirate ships have been found at the bottom of the Caribbean. The gold recovered from them by the U.S. Navy amounts to 400 billion dollars, which is coincidentally the exact price tag of the Iraq War since the invasion.

Immediately Gandhi forms a think tank. Its ranks include esteemed intellectuals and some high technologists including Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. A consensus concludes that the first task at hand for the military is to bombard Iraq with goodwill. With 3 out of 4 Iraqi's living in poverty, it is agreed upon that new sub contractors will bring necessary resources to all Iraq's citizens. Oil revenues from the country will no longer be diverted to special interests and the super rich:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/iraq_oil_law

Oil belongs to everyone in Iraq which is why Gandhi sets up a plan to divide oil revenues evenly among all Iraqis. This money in turn gets pumped back into the economy, revitalizing the infrastructure and creating peace among warring factions who will finally catch a vision of what is now truly possible in Iraq.

To institute this bold plan, Gandhi decides to build a peace keeper coalition in the Middle East. He uses 100 billion to contract thousands of well educated Arabs from surrounding countries to work along side U.S. troops until the transition to U.N. international forces is complete. Bill Gates employs the power of Microsoft to create and distribute hand held translation devices to American troops that serve as a communication bridge between English and Arabic.

Now that iraqi's basic needs are being met, Gandhi turns to Steve Jobs. It is decided that the best way to create an Iraq at peace with America is to show them the wonderful aspects of Western culture. A deal is set up between a California media company and ITunes to translate over 500 of America's and Europe's best movies and TV programs into Arabic. This includes uplifting classics that have inspired Americans and others all over the world. Over 20,000 songs from an eclectic mix of the world's best music and audio books are also hand picked from the culture division of Gandhi's think tank.

Now Gandhi is ready to carry out the most audacious aspect of his Iraq reconstruction plan. He will use 14 billion dollars to buy 27 million souped up versions of the IPhone from Apple. With a new technology just released, these devices will all house a tiny 1 terabyte hard drive which is all the room needed to put everything on it from ITunes. These 27 million IPhones are then distributed to every man, woman and child in Iraq along with a hand crank generator for those who live in places with spotty power facilities. Gandhi then uses more of the Spanish treasure money to connect everyone in Iraq with AT&T service along with high speed internet connectivity. Gandhi also establishes an Iraq internet university with special degrees in non violence, allowing all citizens to take online classes through their IPhone.

Gandhi's sweeping measures for peace in Iraq have paid off. Civil war has been stopped. The new government is now able to take control of the country from the U.S. military. Finally, the troops come home to massive confetti parades in every American city. George Bush is ecstatic with the success of Gandhi as general. He decides to demote Dick Cheney to White House Secretary and promotes Gandhi as the new vice president. Together they decide to pass legislation and an amendment to the Constitution preventing America from waging preemptive war ever again. Gandhi and Bush then appoint Dennis Kucinich and Marianne Williamson to establish the new American Department of Peace.

The Bush / Gandhi administration's popularity soars to a new high as worldwide terrorism steadily declines. Life is good in this parallel universe.